What's Opera, Doc?
by Garrett
Summary: A Willow and Xanderized version of the classic Bugs Bunny short, What's Opera, Doc? No spoilage, but definitely dedicated to the late Chuck Jones.


Mutant Enemy Inc.

Present

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

A Mutant Enemy Production

WILLOW ROSENBERG

in

"What's Opera, Doc?"

Written by Garrett Aja

Based on a story by Michael Maltese

Musical Arrangement as conducted by Milt Franklyn

Song "RETURN MY LOVE" Lyrics by Michael Maltese

Lightning flashes over a darkened sky. Again it flashes. Somewhere below, a large, burly, horned shadow motions its arms, encouraging the storm in all its fury. Then, after another flash of lightning, the clouds begin to part. The shadow continues to motion apart the great storm, until the blue sky emerges. With its hands, the shadow lowers the tension of these great natural forces until it has subsided, and we can see the tiny figure responsible for both the tremendous shadow and the storm.

The figure, clad in gold armor and an oversized helmet with tiny horns on each side, lifts the helmet, revealing its face. It is the (not so) mighty warrior, Alexander Lavelle Harris. Holding his free index finger to his lips, Xander sings,

"Be very quiet....

I'm hunting Willows."

With a devious smile on his face, Xander lowers his helmet, grabs a spear lying nearby, and begins to creep along anxiously. He creeps quickly along a waterfall, turning to look behind himself but once, until he reaches a fallen tree bridging the waterfall, when he notices something. Tiptoeing over some small rocks, he looks down at some footprints, and jabs at them with his spear, announcing, "Willow tracks!"

Xander rushes forward, bounding over a rock and through a field until he sees a hole in the ground, having found his quarry for sure. He begins vigorously jabbing his spear down the hole, shouting,

"Kill the Willow,

Kill the Willow,

Kill the Willow!"

A few yards across the field from Xander, sitting just inside another hole is a Willow-Willow Rosenberg, wearing jeans and a pink sweater that has a huge smiley face on it. Shocked at Xander's declarations, she asks to herself meekly, "Kill the Willow?" before turning to her left and blinking innocently with all of the pathos she can muster.

Unaware of his guest, Xander continues jabbing down the hole, shouting,

"Yo ho to-o!

Yo ho to-o!

Yo ho to-o!

Yo ho-"

Xander is stopped in mid-air when he sees Willow walking towards him. The frills on the bottom of his armor flop down one by one as his last shout is cut off early. Willow takes the chance the speak, singing,

"Oh, mighty warrior of great fighting stock,

Might I enquire to ask,

'Eh, what's up, doc?'"

Willow munches on a Twinkie with surprising loudness at the last line, to which Xander replies, "I'm going to kill the Willow!" As he leaps about, his helmet rotates 90 degrees, leaving one horn in front, and the other in back.

Singing, Willow responds,

"Oh, mighty hunter,

'twill be quite a task,

How will you do it,

Might I enquire to ask?"

Raising his spear, and the pointing at his helmet (which appropriately glows in a golden hue as he points at it), Xander announces confidently, "I will do it with my spear and magic helmet!"

"Your spear and magic helmet?" Willow asks.

"Spear and magic helmet!" repeats Xander, even more confidently than the first time.

"Magic helmet?"

"Magic helmet!" spurts out Xander, again aping Willow's remark.

"Magic helmet," replies Willow, pointing at Xander and scoffing at what would appear to be an unintended double entendre of classic proportions.

"Yes, magic helmet," announces Xander, bounding up a stairway as he speaks, "And I'll give you a sample!" Upon reaching the top, Xander again unleashes the storm, and takes out a tree next to Willow with a flash of lightning.

Some drops of water hit Willow's severely wigged out head before she replies, "Bye," while waving, and then running for the hopeful safety of the forest.

As Willow races by below, Xander comes to a late realization. "That was the Willow!" He quickly gives chase through the forest, until suddenly, he stops in a clearing.

At the top of a plateau, sitting atop a large white horse, is Her. The Slayer. With a light from the heavens surrounding her and her steed, the Slayer rides down the hill, wearing a winged helmet with some of her braided blonde locks sticking out. Her dress is a mesh-y material, with metal cups covering her bosom. Batting her eyes like the beauty queen she is, the Slayer has Xander in the palm of her hand as she rides down to the dumbfounded warrior. When she arrives, Xander sings,

"Oh, my Buffy,

You're so lovely...."

With her usual grace and dignity, the Slayer sings back,

"Yes, I know it,

I can't help it."

Still smitten, Xander replies,

"Oh sweet Buffy,

Be my love!"

The Slayer's steed turns around, and lowers its hind legs, allowing Buffy to glide down its back and meet Xander. She pirouettes gracefully towards him, as Xander lifts the woman he has desired for years and leans down, respectfully beholding Buffy's beauty.

Xander again lifts the Slayer, bouncing her gracefully, then releasing her as she dances around her large horse, annoying it as she dances around its face before batting her eyes at Xander, who hops in complete awe of her beauty.

The Slayer then dances into a Grecian courtyard, hiding behind a flower-clad pedestal. Xander follows hopefully as she coyly dances around the structure, usually just barely out of reach. Soon, Buffy spins on another pedestal, and then dances up a stairway to a small enclosure, where she sits down on a lounger, waiting for her love.

Xander follows, presenting himself grandly at the bottom of the stairs before singing,

"Return my love,

Our longing burns deep inside me."

Buffy answers back,

"Return my love,

I want you always beside me."

Xander then sings, "Love like ours must be...."

Followed by, "Made for you and for me...." from the Slayer.

The two then conclude in unison as Xander reaches the top stair,

"Return,

Won't you return my love?

For my love is yours!"

Xander takes the Slayer in his arms again, as she leans back, allowing her helmet to fall down the stairs, revealing a head of red hair. It's not the Slayer after all, it's Willow! When Xander sees the helmet fall, and then sees that he has been lusting over Willow, his loving expression immediately shifts to anger.

Willow smiles with great nervousness, then jams Xander's helmet over his head, giving her time to quickly shed her Buffy-like shirt and get out of Dodge. Her shadow lines the walls of the courtyard as she runs, as an angered Xander turns red with fury and shouts,

"I'll kill the Willow!

Arise storm!

Northwinds blow!

Southwinds blow!

Typhoons!

Hurricanes!

Earthquakes!

SMOG!!!!"

The storm does its work quickly as Willow runs for a small group of mountains, which are enclosed by darkness just as Willow enters a pass.

"Strike lightening!

Strike the Willow!"

Immediately thereafter, lightning shatters the enclosure, as Xander dances along the Grecian structure hungrily, hoping to get a better look at the destruction he has caused.

Xander spots a star-shaped swath of sunlight, which reveals Willow, dead. Drops of water, falling from a single flower, slide from her fallen body to the ground below. Devastated, Xander begins mourning. As he rushes down to her, he sings solemnly,

"What have a done?

I've killed the Willow.

Poor little lady,

Poor little Willow."

Xander begins openly sobbing as he picks up Willow and slowly takes her back to the structure. Unbeknownst to the sobbing warrior, Willow sits up, and looks backwards with a disappointed expression on her face as she replies, "Well, uh, gee.....What did you expect in an opera, a happy ending?" She then giggles silently for a split second, waving at the same time before slumping back into Xander's arms.

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

"That's All Folks!"

A Mutant Enemy Production


End file.
